I love you Dad

As you all may know the past couple weeks have been extremely hard for me. With the death of my Dad and our wedding following the weekend after, I have been busy and overly emotional. I don't mean to offend anyone when I write this blog but I will never get to see my dad again and I am so upset about it. I don't particularly believe in life after death. I believe it's a way to make people feel better about death, something for people to believe in so life isn't how I see it...just life. However, I do appreciate all the support and prays that you all send. It makes me feel loved and comforted to know that you all are here for me in this tragic time in my life.

My Dad (sad to say) missed a lot of mine and my brothers growing up years. He lived in the UK and we lived here. My parents separated when I was 11 and we all moved from Scotland to San Diego and my Dad stayed behind and continued with his job. We saw each other maybe once a year. There was a period when I didn't see him for 3 years and of course now I am regretting those brat years more than ever. But I can't dwell on the past. I can only move forward.

I'll never forget how nervous I was to tell him I was pregnant. I though he was going to kill through the phone :) I knew the phone was going to ring eventually and when I saw him number pop up I was so worried. He told me that he had read the email over about 3 times to grasp what I was actually saying. I don't really remember the rest of the conversation but I remember that...it made me laugh and still does. He came out (for what I like to think) in August 2008 so he could see his daughter pregnant. He didn't want to miss that and wanted to make sure that his grandson knew who he was, although Joseph was a few months from being done in the oven. He got Joseph a teddy bear. It's the only thing he has from my Dad.

He finally met Joseph in May of 2009. You can read all about it in my archived blogs. He was excited and nervous about it. Scared he would frighten his grandson. His biggest fear was making him cry. Joseph was 6 months old and took right to Grandpa.

He was due out here a week after his tragic accident. I almost called the wedding off. He wanted the wedding just as much as Adam and I. He was proud to finally walk me down the aisle and give his daughter away to this wonderful man and father. But sadly he wasn't able to do so.

My crazy old man rode a street bike...at 61! He worked to be able to take trips with his friends. It's what he loved to do. On Sunday August 30, 2009 a car pulled out in front of him and it was too late to stop and he had no place to go. He hit the car and I'm assuming flew off his bike. I don't quite know all the details but he was unable to be saved. Exactly one week from the day the was supposed to walk me down the aisle so you can see my anger and sadness. I was robbed of that joyful time with my Dad and if there is a higher power I don't understand why something like this would happen right before one of the best days of our lives.

Adam and I spent 3 nights in Vegas where I was able to remember great times as a family of 5. Our parents would drop us off at the arcades and Jeff would blow through his money like a tornado and I'm sure try and hit me up for mine, while John had to play referee to keep Jeff and I from killing each other. It was great memories I had while I was there but as soon as I returned home it was back to how it was days before. Anger and sadness. I'm am trying so hard to find some kind of good out of this shitty situation but can't seem to see an possible good becoming of it. I would give all I have to have my Dad back so he could at least see my son grow a little bit longer. All I have is pictures for him to look at but it devastates me to know that Joseph will not remember or know him.

I love you Dad and if you are in a "better place" keep an eye out for us and know that I will always love you.